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The Wardrobe Malfunction

So, I've been super busy lately (which is normal) but I promise I'll post more. A few days ago I was hanging out with some friends and they reminded me about my (apparently infamous) wardrobe malfunction from 2006. And so, after a few good laughs, I agreed to re-post it. Here's the backstory... in March of 2006, I went with some of the guys from Lynyrd Skynyrd to celebrate them being inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. This is what happened on the night of the ceremony.

Okay, so before I get into the awesomeness of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony (RARHOFIC)... I need to tell you about the worst -- and yet most comical event of the weekend.

I call it "The Wardrobe Malfunction."

Okay. So the attire is "Rock and Roll Black Tie" or whatever the hell that means. To me, it means a tux. So I go and rent one. I get measured, try on a few options and find one that I like. It fits well and I'm pleased. So I pay for it and agree to pick it up on my way to the airport on Saturday.

So I pick it up, get to NY and hang it in the closet of my hotel. Monday, around 4:30 PM, I start getting ready...

TO MY HORROR, the pants are 6" too big in the wasit and 4" too short in the legs. I mean, you can see my bare white legs. This is definitely not Rock and Roll. So I think "okay, I'll just wear them a bit lower." But that doesn't work either because they're effing enormous. And they don't have belt loops, so I can't wear a belt.

I try to use safety pins but there's just too much fabric. NOT GOOD.

Finally, after 30 minutes of trying to find a solution, I did the only thing that I could think of.

I wrapped THREE (3) bath towels around my waist, secured them with a belt and then put on my pants. And let me just be the first to say that if you have never done this, please try it as it will truly change your life.

So I finally get everything situated. The pants are still INCREDIBLY loose, but they're workable, because I've just added roughly 5" of mass to my body. I mean I felt like a stuck pig in the mud.

As I start walking down the hall, I realize that it's not easy to walk with three bath towels strapped to your body.

I arrive to the Waldorf and walk into the cocktail party. I stand in one location for an hour, giving people that "oh yeah hey, I would talk to you but I've got three bath towels wrapped around my waist" look.

So after about an hour of drinking wine and being self conscious, I walk into the room and sit at my table. I think to myself "naah, there won't be anyone really famous at my table. No way."

Well, in walks Sting. And Prince.

Oops.

So of course there is a standing ovation after every nuance of this thing, and every time I get up to clap, I have a horrible fear that my pants won't be coming with me on this journey. That only happened once. Thank God I caught it in time. There is absolutely NO WAY that I could save face from wearing a damn toga under my tuxedo.

Oh, and to top it all off, it was 95 degrees EASY in the room. Yeahhhh...

So there you have it, folks. Never rent from American Tuxedo. They will set you up to fail. And by fail, I mean have your pants drop at a televised function.

Pissed off, or pissed on?

Yeah, you read that right. 

Today, friends, I'm going to tell you about the problem with children under the age of, I don't know... 5? being able to go into public restrooms alone. 

It's not that there are potential safety concerns (although there are some) as much as it is the lack of experience. And by experience, I mean being able to pee in a toilet or urinal.

Here's the story. You know how sometimes you have to pee, but not enough to really do anything about it? That was me last night around the time I left the office.  Now, truth be told, I should have used my office restroom before I left. But I was in a hurry (not sure why) and figured I could make it until I got home. 

Wrong-o. On my way home from work, I stopped in at Publix to get some salsa. And midway down the aisle, I hit a breaking point and had to find the Publix restroom. So, I'm standing there - and all of a sudden, I feel warm water on my feet. I'm wearing my sandals, so we're talking bare feet.

I look over and to my horror, there is a 5 or 6 year old kid literally pissing all over everything. Or at least from what I could tell by the puddle forming on the ground. Everything. The wall, the urinal, my feet. But now I'm in a really awkward situation... it's not like I can stop mid-pee and leave. And I didn't really feel good about yelling at the kid, so I gave it a little "Careful buddy!" to at least let him know that he should be more careful, mainly by peeing IN the urinal. 

And to that, the kid laughs. HE LAUGHS!!!! He was doing this on purpose. 

So, he runs out of the bathroom a few seconds later, laughing. 

I, on the other hand, end up at the sink using soap and hand sanitizer to wipe off my feet and sandals. 

Moral: Parents.... if you have children, accompany them to the bathroom. 

Second moral: Apparently, it is better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

Failed Children's Books

Every year or so, I have to bring this back because inevitably, it comes up in conversation. So, here it is. This year's edition of children's books that didn't quite make it....

Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
Bi-Curious George
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
You Are Different and That's Bad
Fun with Pointy Things
Razor, Razor, Who's Got the Razor?
You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Horton Hires a Ho.

Two Things...

... that happened this past week were particularly memorable.

1. Phantom Puddles

Tuesday morning started just as any other morning would. I got up, took a shower, got dressed and went to make some breakfast. But on this particular Tuesday, things got a little weird. And by weird, what I really mean is that my dining room table was sitting in 1 1/2 inches of water. What??? Yeah. 

But where did it come from? It didn't leak from the ceiling, and none of my appliances were leaking. And the rest of my condo was dry. Literally, it was just a little 6' in diameter puddle of water. 

It fooled me, and it fooled the building management. It fooled the maintenance people, it fooled everyone. 

Turns out it had rained pretty hard on Monday night, and there was a small leak in the sealing around one of my windows. No biggie, and easy to fix.

Fun times. Bizarre, but fun.

2. iCal Failures & Speeding Tickets.

So, I'm not sure if this was my fault when I tried to sync my iPhone to my computer last week, but somehow, Thursday's appointments got deleted. So, I totally forgot about them. And booked over them. 

As it turns out, I was supposed to be in four places at the same, or slightly overlapping times. Not good. Instead of doing the smart thing and rescheduling, I tried to make all four. 

One of these meetings was a lunch with my good friend Jeremy at the afore-blogged about Cantina Laredo. Of course, I was running late and I drive a fast car, and those two don't always mix well.

So, the cop caught me. It was brilliant. He wasn't even looking, he just merged onto the interstate and got right behind me. Of course, I was going 94 in a 55, and that's baaaaaad. Here's the conversation that ensued:

Officer: Give me ONE GOOD REASON why I shouldn't THROW YOUR ASS in JAIL right now!!!

Me: Honestly? My iCal screwed up, and I'm supposed to be four places right now, and jail would make a fifth, and I can't handle it.

Officer: Where in the hell are you going at 94 miles per hour? 

Me: Cantina Laredo. Lunch meeting.

Officer: I LOVE THAT PLACE!!!!! 

Me: Have you tried the chicken quesadilla, it's breathtaking.

Officer: Best guacamole in Nashville as far as I'm concerned.

Me: I know, I can almost taste it.

Officer: You will taste it, as soon as I get through writing this ticket.

The cool thing is, he only wrote the ticket for 65 in a 55. Not 94. What a cool guy. And, this totally reinforces my position that Cantina Laredo is my favorite.

Restaurant Openings

One of the (many) perks of living downtown(ish) is that there are new restaurants opening all the time. One of the newest additions to the gulch is Cantina Laredo which opened last week. The beautiful thing is that it's in my building, so literally, one quick trip down the elevator and there I am.

Last night, Eva and I decided to give it a try, and all I can say is "WOW!" It may well have been some of the best Mexican food I've ever eaten. 

But beyond that, the experience was pretty awesome. I usually wait until a restaurant's been open for a while before I try it out, so I forget the craziness that is opening week. Managers and corporate guys walking around, frantically making sure that everything is perfect; wait staff a little nervous because they're all of a sudden part of the same TV show that you are as a guest. 

Our server's name was Josh, and he did a great job.

It was almost like watching the dress rehearsal of a broadway show -- questionably better than an actual performance because while not everything is spot-on, there's an attractiveness to the vulnerability of the performers and crew and a sense of ownership in the entire event simply because you're seeing what no one else will see.

And you know, that's what's awesome - and what made last night one of the most memorable dining experiences I can remember was the dessert that the table next to us ordered... some concoction of apple pie, cinnamon ice cream, sizzling hot fajita plate and a butter cream sauce. Now, you pretty much had me at "apple pie", and you had me at "ice cream" and "fajita plate" and "butter cream sauce" -- but together???? yikes!

So, the idea is that the server brings all of these things to the table and assembles everything in front of you. The last thing to go onto the fajita plate is the butter cream sauce, which should bubble for a minute and then be done.

Well, at the table next to us, the kitchen apparently got the fajita plate a little too hot, because when the server poured the butter cream sauce on, it literally cooked it instantly, producing a thick white smoke that filled the restaurant. 

And it was awesome. So naturally, we ordered one. The kitchen brought a new, non-scorched version out for the table next to us and they validated our decision saying that it was the best thing they've ever eaten. 

And then ours comes out. And is done perfectly. But because the last one was such a show and he didn't want to be upstaged, Josh finished ours off with a sparkler. 

It was awesome. It was the first time in a long time that I've left a restaurant already planning my next visit. If you get a chance, check it out - you won't be disappointed.

Technology

I don't get technology sometimes. I have two TV's. I have lots of DVDs. I have an AppleTV. And a couple DVD players. And a TiVo. And I even have Netflix for my TiVo, which is cool, but not really practical until they up the number of movies you can watch instantly.

So why can't we all just get along? 

Why can't I have one media server that streams HD content to my TV's? Can I please get rid of DVD's one and for all??? 

Okay, okay. I know, yes. It's possible. But is it possible under $10k? Surely. But how? No one that I've talked to can tell me. It seems so simple. Like, you'd rip your DVD's into iTunes and send them anywhere you wanted... iPhones, AppleTVs, etc. 

They told me to get HandBrake and I did... But that takes forever and I'm not sure if it works or not. 

Is there a better way? Am I missing something?

Oh, and what about BluRay discs? Can you get that kind of quality in iTunes? 

Ugh. Help. Please.

Locked In

So, yesterday I had a meeting downtown in the gulch, which was conveniently right by my condo... so, of course I stopped by the house before going back to the office. 

Well, the weirdest thing happened... I put my key in the lock and turned, and it unlocked. But I couldn't get the key out. I tried everything. Even cooking spray. I had to get back to the office, so I ended up just leaving the key in the lock... I called the concierge and they were going to try to get someone to fix it.

When I got home, the key was still right there, in the lock. I unlocked the door, walked in and locked the door behind me... even though the key was stuck, so it didn't really matter. When I engaged the lock, there was a bit of a clanking sound. Whatever.

Well, apparently, that clanking sound was something in the lock... because this morning, when I tried to leave for work, I could not unlock my door. I was locked in. 

About an hour later, they finally got me out. Which was nice. I think they're still working on the lock, though.

Voicemail.

I *hate* voicemail.

In fact, I probably have a slightly unhealthy hatred of it. Here's a quick fact: if you leave me a voicemail, I'm probably not going to check it. I'm just going to call you back.

Really though, I think that my issue is that we don't really need voicemail anymore. We've got email, and facebook. Twitter, and plaxo and linked-in.... why do we need voicemail?

Anyways... enough about that.

Have you seen the clip floating around the internet today of 47-year-old Susan Boyle wowing the Britain's Got Talent judges? It's amazing.

http://www.new.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=82797277000&h=maPcL&u=ec25G&ref=mf

Awesome.

Brite love

It's pretty exciting to see something you've created featured in major newspapers. Here's some of the latest:

Billboard Magazine

The Washington Times

The Tennessean

Awesome!

Hitting the reset button.

I stayed home sick from work today. I've had some iteration of the flu for a couple days, and to be totally honest, it's been pretty bad. The kind of bad where your gag reflex kicks in just thinking about it. But it's starting to taper off. In fact, I probably could have made it to work after lunch.

But, one of the benefits of working for yourself is being able to make those decisions and not have to run through miles of corporate red-tape. One of the downsides, however, is that you rarely take enough time for yourself for fear of your inbox exploding or some other equally ridiculous reason.

We've been going non-stop lately, having just launched briterevolution.com, and I'm fairly certain that the reason I had the flu all weekend was simply because I'm completely exhausted. So I didn't really feel all that bad about not going in. I slept a lot. It was glorious -- just to be able to hit the reset button and re-energize. Everyone should do it once in a while. 

Anyways, My friend, Lauren, sent me an email this morning about her blog and it got me thinking about mine. I used to blog all. the. time. I loved it. I mean, I had lots of people reading my posts, and I was kind of surrounded by bloggers. But, time passed and I got busy and... well, I could probably list a thousand reasons why I stopped blogging, but they don't really matter.

What's interesting to me is that I have a giant list on my computer about "things I want to blog about." I even keep notes on my iPhone. I just never do it. I think about it, sometimes I'll even try. I'll spend hours trying to customize some theme in Wordpress, only to realize that they're just not that great; I'll get discouraged and ultimately give up. 

But today, I realized the problem. I needed to hit the reset button. So, I deleted everything. All the old archives. All the old folders. Everything from the past 6 years. It's all gone.

And it feels great. 

So here we go. Let's see what happens, eh?